Faith!

It's been a little over a month since my last entry. To my seven (if I haven't lost any) followers, I'm so sorry for your devastation. I'll try not to let this sort of lapse happen again. 

When someone like me writes as sporadically as I do, one might wonder, "what inspires her?" Well, two things. One, is being at my mom's where I feel away from the comforts of home, and she goes to bed at 9 o'clock. Two, is the influence of alcohol. Yes, I admit. I like to drink the spirits. So, that being said, mom is in bed, and I've had some wine. Cheers. 

I don't have any idea how long it's been since I started this blog, but one thing really has happened. I've started giving a little less of a shit. Not because I purposefully give less of a shit, but more because I have a lot more faith in letting things that are out of my control, be just that. I can't fret over something I have no control over. Therefore, I have been a lot more at peace with some things.

Relationships and dating? Well, let's just say I've learned a lot of lessons, but none as great as the ones I've learned since starting to pray about it. I'm not sure AT ALL what I'm praying to, but I find that something has changed in me, since I took the leap of faith to do so.  I know I sound redundant, but really, things happen without you even noticing.

I'm in the midst of being sad about not seeing someone anymore, that I really care about. But what surprises me, is that I'm more focused on what I've learned in the last few months. That is so unlike me. Instead of trying to influence the situation, by what is likely to be me acting crazy, I'm sitting back thinking about how if this doesn't work out, I'm going to be better and stronger for the next relationship. That's not to say that I don't hope that this one miraculously works out, but I won't hold my breath. The foundation has certainly been laid, but the timing is about as bad as it gets. I'll spare the details.

Gosh, I should blog more. It feels so good to sit down and type. The clickety clack of the keyboard is soothing.

As you know, I've been praying to fixtures, and not to a god, per se. When you do this, you start to notice weird signs, that you otherwise might not have noticed. Or are there signs, that otherwise wouldn't have been present? Or, are you just always looking for signs? Hmmmm.

All I know, is that there have been a lot of signs, and though at first, I thought they were all "good" signs, they were completely ambiguous. Like the weekend I saw 1:11, 2:22, 3:33 and 4:44.  I didn't see 5:55 that weekend, but after telling a friend about this, they texted me at 5:55, saying "5:55", obviously. Not really a sign, but weird all the same. Things I otherwise wouldn't notice, if I weren't looking for signs, OR WOULD I?... :-)

I have faith that something is changing me, and given the slump that I was in, that is a big shout out AMEN kinda moment. Baby steps, Kimberlee.

Overlord Award

I suck at this blogging thing. I almost forgot about the award that Natalie gave me. Apparently, there are these weird blogger politics, that allow these bloggers to give out blogger awards. I don't know. I'm new to this whole thing. This "award" that I've been given, for no reason known to man, allows me to make up three rules. These rules will rule the earth, and I suspect you will bow down to me by the end of this post.

1. Be nice.
2. Nice is the new black.
3. Just be nice.

AMEN!

Psst! Random Kimmie Thoughts!

Happy Thursday to all of my seven followers. Sometimes I find it weirder that my friends are reading this, rather than complete strangers. When I start typing, I always imagine you all rolling your eyes and mumbling something under your breath, like "what the hell is wrong with her?" I know you all must love me though, so it's cool. I love you, too.

So, I'm sitting here at my mom's, AGAIN. She wanted to go to bed at 8:00, so I stayed with her until she fell asleep, and here I am. This is my refuge, when I'm over here. Not this blog, but this room. She doesn't realize how much time I spend in here after she goes to sleep, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?

Caring for someone who is mentally ill, is hard as hell. She does display some physical manifestations of her illness, but for the most part, is perfectly healthy on the surface. It's frustrating, to say the least. I can't not do what I'm doing. I have to be here for her, but sometimes I just want to run from it. I can't. She's my mom. I love her.

I REALLY missed Casey today. Not sure why, but when it hits you, it hits hard. How is it, that a freaking pet can change your life like that? I don't know if I'll ever stop missing her, or be able to have another. She was just the light in my life (cheesy), for so many years.

Aging is hard, especially when you're a worrier like me. I think too much. WAY TOO MUCH! You start to feel like things are all going to go down hill. As you get older, you suffer a lot more loss. That's hard, but I'm hoping the gain in wisdom and coping mechanisms, can offset that. I feel strong as hell one day, and scared as fuck the next. I'm not even sure what I can handle, but I guess that's just life. Meh.

I have a good weekend planned. I love having things to look forward to. Saturday, I'm going to either Mammoth Cave or Bluespring Caverns, with a new and dear friend of mine. What a perfect way to spend a swelteringly hot day, but in a cave. Sunday, no plans, which is right up there with AWESOME. I love having Sunday to lie on the couch and watch movies and mindless TV. Monday, I'm going to Churchill with my mom and stepdad, and then down to the waterfront for De La Soul and Funky Meters. I think there might be fireworks. Ha. Good times will be had.

I've lost six pounds. *happy dance* That's pretty awesome. I've had a recent obsession with Taco Bell's Fresco menu, and from what I can tell, it doesn't seem to set me back too much. They substitute the cheese and sour cream, with a yummy "fresh tasting" (likely preservative laden) dose of pico de gallo. Top that with their new salsa verde, and we are talking. I generally dislike TB, but this is fast, easy and cheap-o-la.

I haven't been praying, like I said I would. I have been trying to meditate though. My brain is a force to be reckoned with. It doesn't much understand calm, and it's like hell to teach it to shut the fuck up for a minute, so I can have some peace. Thank god for the internet, though I suck and it, I have found some meditation techniques that work for me. Even if just for 30 seconds. ADD rears its ugly head, and won't let me have any extended quiet, but a little is better than nothing. I'm trying, at least.

I can hear mom snoring from the other room, and it seems to be sending some sort of message to my head, that it's time to say "goodnight". Goodnight to whomever is lucky enough to read this garbage. Until next time.

Bucket List

I don't have a formal bucket list, but if I did, there are two things that would absolutely be on there. I've always wanted to skydive and zipline. Since I'm pretty damn petrified of the idea of jumping out of a plane, I'm going to shoot for the ziplining thing first. Wahoo Ziplining, I've heard, is the place to go, and only 4.5 hours from home. Weeeeeeeeee.

So, they have a weight limit, which I'm pleased to be able to say I fall below. However, in order to check something this awesome off of my imaginary bucket list, I want to earn it. I've set a goal weight, which I intend to reach by September sometime. I think the fall would be the best of times to go. Hmmm. When are the leaves at their peak color? Must figure that out.

I'm one of those people who really likes to have something to look forward to. So this is pretty special. Plus, I can't wait to reach my first goal weight, which certainly won't be my last, when achieved. One thing at a time here, people.

THEN! I'll start planning to jump out of that plane.

So Many Things!

There are so many things I'd like to talk about in this blog post, but what is and isn't appropriate, is really hard to ascertain at this moment. I always imagined that a blog would be a place that I could spew anything that came to mind. But it's not. You have to consider who might read it. I realize I'm limited to less people than I can count on my two hands, but still. Those people are a big part of my life.

Stuff is changing with me. I'm doing good things for myself, and starting to care about myself again. I'm not sure when I stopped, but I did. I'm going to try to take care of myself, so that I can be a better and stronger person, for all those around me. I'm not sure exactly how this course of action will look, but I do know that it starts with one step. I've made it, and it comes in the form of a treadmill. Haha. NO!REALLY! I have a treadmill IN THE HOUSE! I walked on it even. Exercising in the privacy of my own bat-cave of a bedroom, is just what I need right now. I want to be in shape, to start doing the things I love to do again. This is my wish.

Let's hope this fucking treadmill doesn't become a clothing rack. And if any of you want to place some bets with me, I'm in.

Love you... :-)

So last night...

... I was sitting having a beer with my friend Jill, who is a very serious practicing Catholic. In fact, after a couple of beers, she had to leave to go to a meeting at her church, to try and save a particular chapel that they were considering shutting down. Only Catholics would go to a church meeting after a couple of beers. I'd probably make a good Catholic girl, if only I weren't agnostic.

Jill was talking about a church that's open 24/7, and a girl at the end of the bar perked up, and knew just what church she was talking about. What ensued, was about an hour long conversation with this girl, whose father is dying of cancer. It may be because it's THAT (fuckyoufemalehormones) time of the month, but I teared up FOUR times. I felt an instant bond with this girl. Before Jill left for her holy meeting, she pulled a card out of the front of her purse and handed it to her (her dad is also of the Catholic faith). To give you an idea of just how engaged Jill is in her religious beliefs, she carries around these cards (they have a special name but I can't remember), and just so happened to have a card for Saint Peregrine, the patron saint of cancer patients. She then gave her a spare rosary she happened to have, hugged her and promised to pray for her and her family. This entire experience was very moving, and really exactly the type of thing that serves as a reminder of the faith I've always had. Faith in something outside of myself, indeed. Faith in the power of human interaction, and being compassionate and kind. Jill has it in spades. Love you, girl.

Hmmm...

A friend of mine, Alicia, is a very devout christian. I respect her for her beliefs, but I often glaze over when she gets to talking about them. I've been agnostic for nearly 30 years, and really can't wrap my brain around any formal belief system. Sometimes, though, when people mention prayers being answered, my ears perk up a little bit.

I can't even be sure who/what/when/where/why I'm praying. I'd like to say it's blind faith, but I'm not even sure I have faith that I'm being heard. It's more of a, "oh my god, nothing else seems to work, please hear my prayer" kind of thing.

About two months ago, I decided that I was going to start praying to the unknown. I decided that I was going to pick a fixture to focus on when I pray. In my bedroom, it's my ceiling light. In my living room, it's my chandelier. In the bathroom, it's a glass bottle, though saying I pray to the porcelain god seems more appropriate. However, it's kinda hard to pray to the commode when you're sitting on it... :-)  In my office, it's a statuette of buddha. Yes, I have it all figured out. Even if I don't know what the hell I believe, a merciful "god" will grant me some serenity, or for once give me a fucking break.

Hey, remember that devout christian friend of mine I mentioned up there? Yeah, so, she does this vlog. It's very christiany and scriptury and doesn't really agree with me, but I watched it because I love her, and she's my friend. She talked about how she laid outside and prayed, and as soon as she was quiet, she received a message. I was like, "hmph, hogwash". Sure, it's kinda silly to think that anything/one would respond to everyone's prayers.

But as part of my recent commitment to this exercise, I thought I'd give it a shot. I sat outside my house yesterday, and tried what she'd spoken of in that vlog. I closed my eyes, made a couple of requests to the unknown, and then silenced myself for the answer. Literally, the very first thing that popped into my head when I silenced myself, was "stay calm, relax and enjoy". That's my new mantra.

Anyone who knows me, knows that those are words for me to live by. I struggle with anxiety, and find myself bundled up in knots with worry sometimes.  Whatever voice spoke to me, even if it was just a product of my own thought, I'm grateful for it. Whether it be divine intervention, or my own subconscious begging for mercy, I feel a little more at peace because of it.

HUGS!

Finding Faith

Because I'm obviously having issues with this praying thing, I have some of my praying friends, praying for me. Thank god.

Let me tell you about the last time I prayed. My friend Alicia wanted me to meet her at one of our neighborhood bars this past Sunday. I got in my car, and because it had been raining A LOT, it didn't want to start. It's done this before, but after a few tries, it always starts. However, this time I tried like five times and nothing. I said, "dear god, please let this be one of my get out of jail free cards". Damn thing started.

I went to meet my friend, who is a pretty serious christian, and she pointed out that my prayer was answered. I'm like, "yeah, my prayer to get up to the local bar to have drinks on the sabbath; that was answered". She suggested that you never know what might have come of it, and that it might have been part of a path. Blah, blah, blah. Love you, Alicia.

I still pray to the ceiling fan, light fixture, and buddha statuette in my office, but really, I'm not feeling it. I need divine intervention, to assure me that I'm being heard.

Toast

Do you put the butter on the bread, and then put it in the toaster oven? Or do you toast the bread, and then put the butter on it?

The day of the hump. Wednesday.

I'm not sure where that expression came from, but I like it. The obvious thing to do, would be to Google that cocksucker up, but how tiresome is that. I don't really care for Googling. I'm a lazy interwebzor.  I did Wiki-it, and all I got was a bunch of gibberish about the origin of the word "Wednesday". Fuck that.

But anyway, today is the middle of the week, for us M-Fers. Oh, how I love being one of those people, after YEARS of being in the restaurant business, and working nights, weekends and holidays. Done, and done.

Today, like most days, was relatively painless. I got to go sit on my ass, and hang with one of my best friends. She doesn't even know it, but she's really quite awesome. Working with a friend can be hard, but really, how much closer can you get. No, I won't make out with you, Natalie... :-)

It was hot. Oh my gosh, it felt like August up in the 'Ville today. It made me grateful that I work indoors. Our trailer mechanic came in the office a few times, sweat dripping from his face, that was blood red. So glad I don't have that to endure for the remainder of the summer. He needs a raise.

I'm missing my dog today. Like, A LOT. I haven't posted about her yet, because it's still pretty raw for me. Two months since I put her down, I still think I hear her, still go home thinking I'm going to see her, and what really sucks, is I still smell her in the house. See, her doggie scent, really started to permeate the house in the last few years. I should replace my couch and bed. She loved to sleep on both. It's still so fresh to me, and I don't know who could possibly understand how sad it can make me, at any given time of the day, when the memory decides to rear it's ugly fucking head. I love you, Casey.

I miss my house. I've been at mom's for almost two weeks, with a little break on Saturday. I'm feeling a little lost with the moving back and forth. She made a comment the other night, about how IF and IF, she would want me to move in here. GET THE FUCK OUT! No to the way. I'm a little concerned about that, but she does project far in advance, when so and so dies, and the earth ceases to exist, etc, etc. HAYULP.

Thanks for reading, and I love you.

P.S. I still haven't been praying. Natalie is supposed to bring me a Buddha, and I'm going to get all Zennie. Yeah, like you can just introduce a statuette into your office, and get all peaceful and shit. Anyway, it's worth a try.

Followers, new blog name and suicide!

Followers:

I want more, but I don't. What to do?

New blog name::

I want one, but I can't figure it out.

Suicide:

How selfish is that?

The End.

Voodoo! Whoa!

Executive Voodoo Kit

My boss's wife gave me an Executive Voodoo Kit for Christmas. I just put it with all my other silly little trinkets at my desk. Then one day, I posted to her wall, that I needed a lock of his hair. Get this! She cut out a lock of his hair, and sent it to work with him. Innocently, and harmlessly, I stuck a pin in the right foot. Haha, right? Within days, he'd injured his big toe, gotten an infection, and today, had to have minor surgery on it. WHOA!

 

Prayer

I said I was going to pray, at least that first day. My intent, though not put into words, was to pray every day. Like someone trying to quit smoking, who falls off the wagon, I am here to say that I only prayed the first three days. Then I kinda forgot about it. I want to get back on track.

As I've mentioned before, it's not easy for me. Being 40 years old, and not having prayed (unless out loud at a church where you have no choice) my entire life, this isn't an easy habit to start. In fact, it might be right up there with stopping a bad habit. I might need to set an alarm on my phone, to remind me to do so.  That likely won't work.

How does one get in this habit, when so uncertain about the recipient of that prayer. And then someone as ADD as me, trying to calm myself long enough to focus on even a "hail mary". Hey, if I thought that a "hail mary" would make a difference in my life, I'd say it while on the pooper. Is that disrespectful? I'm sorry.

IT'S JUST A BLOG!

So, I haven't posted anything in a few days, or is it several. Mom always said that a couple is two, and a few is three. I guess that makes several, anything more than three. Anyway, I haven't posted in a bit.

I knew this blogging thing was going to be hard for me. I don't think much of what I would want to write about, would be of any interest to the general public. Then I remember that it's JUST A BLOG. Natalie blogs about nonsense, so why can't I. Love you, Nats.

I see a lot of people celebrating, in abundance, the death of Osama bin Laden. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm of course pleased that such a terroristic mind has been put to rest, but his wife and son had to go along with him. Then you have to remember all of the innocent victims that died because of him. But it's not like, now that he's gone, justice has been served. To imagine how many there are out there just like him, might make my brain explode. This is a fight that I fear can't be won. I wish we could just step aside now, and bring everyone's loved ones home.

Then there's my angst with pet owners, people who think they might want to own a pet, people who abandon their pets, and people who abuse animals. This consumes me everyday. I sure wish I could make it go away, but in fact, I'm reminded of it all the time in my Facebook news feed. I want to hide all of the rescue organizations, so I don't have to think about it. That's not going to make it go away. I want very much, to get the cajones to start doing more in the area of animal rescue, instead of just stewing over it all the time.

Awhile back, I had an idea to start a small fund, to provide collars and tags to pet owners. There's no screening necessary. You just send a request, and you will have a collar and tags for your pet. There's no major expense involved here. Rather, just someone who can make it happen. I want that to be me. I'm so sick and tired of people's pets (mostly dogs) getting lose over and over again, and them posting to Facebook about how sad they are, and please help me find my dog. They say they're like family. WHAT? If your pet were like family, either you'd keep a better eye on them, or at the very least give someone who might find them, a way to identify them. IT'S INFURIATING! I try to imagine it's ignorance and laziness. It likely is, so a little help from someone like myself might be greatly appreciated, right?. I dunno. I'm rambling here. Natalie says that's okay. IT'S JUST A BLOG.

Maybe I should change the name of my blog, to IT'S JUST A BLOG. Someone Google that for me, and see if it's already taken. Haha. 

I'm already putting too much thought into this post, wanting to go back and proofread and edit it. That's silly, huh? Right? That's not what this is all about. These are the things that are on my mind right now.

OH! And please, don't litter. That includes throwing cigarette butts out your window, or on the ground anywhere. Don't do it. It's disrespectful of the property owners, the earth, and pretty much your own sense of pride in your surroundings.

Now I feel like I should call this blog something about Kim's soapbox. I'm sorry, to my four followers. I love you all... :-)

All over the place...

That's what this post is likely to be. My mind has been so many places this week, and my dreams have been so vivid and disturbing. I don't know where to start.

I'll start with my mom. She's sick. Not physically ill, though there are physical manifestations of what ails her. She's mentally ill. She has this unexplainable anxiety. Her biggest fear lately, has been storms. This time of year in this part of the country, is especially stormy, and especially tornadic. She's terrified of storms, whether they present immediate danger or not. In fact, she's starting to fear storms that don't even really exist. It's just that overwhelming fear of doom and gloom. I wish I could take it away from her.

This affects me in many ways. Not just that I worry about her, and wish her well, but I've somewhat taken on a caretaker role. My stepfather, who is wonderful and does everything in his power to bring her peace in her every day, has to travel for business. He's close to retiring, and before he can hit the big bucks, has to finish up another two years of a contract the he signed. When he's away on business, I have to stay with mom. This is about 10 nights out of the month. Sometimes more. That's about 1/3 of my month, away from my own home, and caring for an otherwise healthy family member. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, but it's frustrating.

I'm here at mom's now. I had to leave work early, because she was beside herself with fear, over storms that are nowhere near. So far, I think we're just going to have shit-ton of rain. I'm not going to do this again, unless there are impending storms. I just feel dumb and bad, for leaving work early. But then you see the terror in her eyes. There's no way to rationalize with her, and tell her that her fears aren't substantiated. She's genuinely traumatized.

I'm pretty irrational, and often times worry about things that may never affect me in any way, but this is so hard to wrap my brain around.

One of these days, I hope we can be past this. I'll keep the faith that we will.

Faith comes in all shapes and sizes, and I found some today!

Edit to add: This entry was actually written yesterday. However, let it be known, that I am a little scared of this blogging thing, and chickened out and didn't post it. Natalie says I'm putting too much thought into it, but I'm just kind of a perfectionist when it comes to writing. I got a 3.9 in college (it's not often I get any acknowledgement for that, but I worked hard, so if it's bragging, then so be it)because I revised my papers to the point of what I considered near perfection. For my abilities anyway.  So, point it, this is from yesterday.


When people ask me about my beliefs, I generally tell them I'm agnostic, but spiritual. Then you often get the question about what your spirituality is centered around. I usually feel like my answer is a bit of a cop-out, but then if I really think about it. Not so much.

Many people find their spirituality around some sort of diety, some sort of philosophy or even just a belief in a higher power, whether they know what that is or not. I've always felt that I simply find mine, through my interactions with others, here on Earth, in the flesh and blood. Today was a perfect example.

I prayed yesterday. Although I didn't really know who, what, when, where, or why, I was holding up to my end of the bargain (read prior post). Today that prayer was answered, though if I weren't on this journey, I may have never recognized it as such. Sometimes just a little hightened awareness, can make you see events of your daily life, in a totally different way.

One of my co-workers, a truck driver, found a blind German Shepherd roaming the property at my work. So blind, that he literally walked into the tire of his tractor. Luckily it was stopped. Thank goodness he cared enough to alert us in the office, so we could follow through with bringing him to safety.  He stayed leashed to our office railing, while we continued to try and perform our job duties, while breaking to make a half dozen phone calls, looking for help and suggestions. Thanks to Natalie's Facebook post, two of our mutual friends came forward. Between A and C, I feel confident that he is okay for now.

The feeling of relief that came over me, when they agreed to help, was at first selfish. All I could think about was trying to get through a very hectic day at work, without having to, with the help of Natalie of course, take care of this dog. Other than being blind, he was unfixed, and had the appearance of a dog who may have at one time been a fighter. Not aggressive with humans, but still, the potential may have been there. I was very nervous, to be quite honest. He may have also had a skin infection under his collar, or quite possibly his collar was becoming embedded with his flesh. We were all too afraid to check, for fear of hurting this poor guy. 

Anyway, once the selfish feeling of relief passed, I felt a feeling of solidarity. That in such a short period of time, people came together to bring this dog to safety, and ensure that he has a chance for a better life. That gave me warm fuzzies. Instead of focusing on the ANGER, that this dog was in the condition he was in, I was enthralled by the compassion of just a few people.

That gives me faith.

And so it begins...

Is it possible for a 40 year old woman, who has lived her entire adult life claiming to be agnostic, with no formal beliefs, customs or rituals, to find faith in a greater power? Can a long-time-non-believing soul (NO, not atheist, just uncertain), start to believe, and what are the steps to getting there?  I sure as shit know you can’t wake up one day and decide to believe. Or can you? It all starts with one step, right?

The idea for this post came to me this morning, Easter morning 2011. As I sat on my couch with a cup of coffee, watching Sunday Morning (that’s MY Sunday ritual), I started reading my Facebook news feed. There’s nothing like reading about the daily activities of others, to make you feel somehow inadequate in your own routines. For example, yesterday a friend of mine posted that she didn’t get out of her jammies until noon. Uhhhh, yeah, I didn’t get out of my jammies AT ALL. See what I’m saying? Anyway, that’s a little off subject.

Reading one Easter post, after Jesus post, after Easter post, after… you get the idea… I started to feel a case of the empty. Like really, really empty. The kind of empty that you immediately want to fill up with something. Thank goodness I didn't have any food and/or beer in the house, or that may have been my filler. We all know that wouldn’t get me anywhere, at least not in the long run. Sure would be fun in the short-run though, huh? Who am I kidding? I’ll end up drinking beer and eating comfort food before the day is over. It’s just a wee early for that right now.

The Facebook news feed status that really hit home for me, was this one:  “I love Easter. A day of redemption, forgiveness, hope, and new beginnings. Plus, there's chocolate and ham”

Don't get me wrong; I doubt I’ll ever find the sort of religious beliefs that celebrate Easter per se. But,what I wouldn’t give to feel this way on any given day. Every day, would be cool.  TODAY, would be cool. But since I can’t find that sort of faith overnight, I’ll have to go through some motions I suppose. OH EM GEE, I guess establishing some sense of spirituality is going to take work on my part. With this post, I’d like to say that I’m ready to embark on this journey, but given my past behaviors, this may just be a fleeting moment. An expression of my frustration with my lack of faith. Let’s hope it’s not. If it is, I'll just change the name of the blog and carry on.

So, here’s what I’m going to do TODAY, that I NEVER do. I’m going to pray. I’m not going to be sure what the hell I’m praying to, but I’m going to pray for whatever higher power that is out there (that will have me, of course),  to please show me a little extra attention for awhile. Enlightenment has to start somewhere, but I'm going to need a little extra push to get out of this rut. I hope "the force" will hear me, and be with me. 

That’s not a lot to ask, right? I mean, considering I’ve been very low maintenance for 25ish years now.

Lucky for you folks who might stumble upon this blog, I’m going to take you on this journey with me.

Allll Aboard!