That's what this post is likely to be. My mind has been so many places this week, and my dreams have been so vivid and disturbing. I don't know where to start.
I'll start with my mom. She's sick. Not physically ill, though there are physical manifestations of what ails her. She's mentally ill. She has this unexplainable anxiety. Her biggest fear lately, has been storms. This time of year in this part of the country, is especially stormy, and especially tornadic. She's terrified of storms, whether they present immediate danger or not. In fact, she's starting to fear storms that don't even really exist. It's just that overwhelming fear of doom and gloom. I wish I could take it away from her.
This affects me in many ways. Not just that I worry about her, and wish her well, but I've somewhat taken on a caretaker role. My stepfather, who is wonderful and does everything in his power to bring her peace in her every day, has to travel for business. He's close to retiring, and before he can hit the big bucks, has to finish up another two years of a contract the he signed. When he's away on business, I have to stay with mom. This is about 10 nights out of the month. Sometimes more. That's about 1/3 of my month, away from my own home, and caring for an otherwise healthy family member. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, but it's frustrating.
I'm here at mom's now. I had to leave work early, because she was beside herself with fear, over storms that are nowhere near. So far, I think we're just going to have shit-ton of rain. I'm not going to do this again, unless there are impending storms. I just feel dumb and bad, for leaving work early. But then you see the terror in her eyes. There's no way to rationalize with her, and tell her that her fears aren't substantiated. She's genuinely traumatized.
I'm pretty irrational, and often times worry about things that may never affect me in any way, but this is so hard to wrap my brain around.
One of these days, I hope we can be past this. I'll keep the faith that we will.
Work is just work. Your Momma needed you, and you're a good daughter for always being there for her. I hope that if I were to ever find myself in your situation that I could be such a good and loving example of a daughter as you have been.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Natalie. You're a wonderful daughter and when I become mentally ill I hope my daughters may have my back as well.
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