That's what this post is likely to be. My mind has been so many places this week, and my dreams have been so vivid and disturbing. I don't know where to start.
I'll start with my mom. She's sick. Not physically ill, though there are physical manifestations of what ails her. She's mentally ill. She has this unexplainable anxiety. Her biggest fear lately, has been storms. This time of year in this part of the country, is especially stormy, and especially tornadic. She's terrified of storms, whether they present immediate danger or not. In fact, she's starting to fear storms that don't even really exist. It's just that overwhelming fear of doom and gloom. I wish I could take it away from her.
This affects me in many ways. Not just that I worry about her, and wish her well, but I've somewhat taken on a caretaker role. My stepfather, who is wonderful and does everything in his power to bring her peace in her every day, has to travel for business. He's close to retiring, and before he can hit the big bucks, has to finish up another two years of a contract the he signed. When he's away on business, I have to stay with mom. This is about 10 nights out of the month. Sometimes more. That's about 1/3 of my month, away from my own home, and caring for an otherwise healthy family member. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, but it's frustrating.
I'm here at mom's now. I had to leave work early, because she was beside herself with fear, over storms that are nowhere near. So far, I think we're just going to have shit-ton of rain. I'm not going to do this again, unless there are impending storms. I just feel dumb and bad, for leaving work early. But then you see the terror in her eyes. There's no way to rationalize with her, and tell her that her fears aren't substantiated. She's genuinely traumatized.
I'm pretty irrational, and often times worry about things that may never affect me in any way, but this is so hard to wrap my brain around.
One of these days, I hope we can be past this. I'll keep the faith that we will.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Faith comes in all shapes and sizes, and I found some today!
Edit to add: This entry was actually written yesterday. However, let it be known, that I am a little scared of this blogging thing, and chickened out and didn't post it. Natalie says I'm putting too much thought into it, but I'm just kind of a perfectionist when it comes to writing. I got a 3.9 in college (it's not often I get any acknowledgement for that, but I worked hard, so if it's bragging, then so be it)because I revised my papers to the point of what I considered near perfection. For my abilities anyway. So, point it, this is from yesterday.
When people ask me about my beliefs, I generally tell them I'm agnostic, but spiritual. Then you often get the question about what your spirituality is centered around. I usually feel like my answer is a bit of a cop-out, but then if I really think about it. Not so much.
Many people find their spirituality around some sort of diety, some sort of philosophy or even just a belief in a higher power, whether they know what that is or not. I've always felt that I simply find mine, through my interactions with others, here on Earth, in the flesh and blood. Today was a perfect example.
I prayed yesterday. Although I didn't really know who, what, when, where, or why, I was holding up to my end of the bargain (read prior post). Today that prayer was answered, though if I weren't on this journey, I may have never recognized it as such. Sometimes just a little hightened awareness, can make you see events of your daily life, in a totally different way.
One of my co-workers, a truck driver, found a blind German Shepherd roaming the property at my work. So blind, that he literally walked into the tire of his tractor. Luckily it was stopped. Thank goodness he cared enough to alert us in the office, so we could follow through with bringing him to safety. He stayed leashed to our office railing, while we continued to try and perform our job duties, while breaking to make a half dozen phone calls, looking for help and suggestions. Thanks to Natalie's Facebook post, two of our mutual friends came forward. Between A and C, I feel confident that he is okay for now.
The feeling of relief that came over me, when they agreed to help, was at first selfish. All I could think about was trying to get through a very hectic day at work, without having to, with the help of Natalie of course, take care of this dog. Other than being blind, he was unfixed, and had the appearance of a dog who may have at one time been a fighter. Not aggressive with humans, but still, the potential may have been there. I was very nervous, to be quite honest. He may have also had a skin infection under his collar, or quite possibly his collar was becoming embedded with his flesh. We were all too afraid to check, for fear of hurting this poor guy.
Anyway, once the selfish feeling of relief passed, I felt a feeling of solidarity. That in such a short period of time, people came together to bring this dog to safety, and ensure that he has a chance for a better life. That gave me warm fuzzies. Instead of focusing on the ANGER, that this dog was in the condition he was in, I was enthralled by the compassion of just a few people.
That gives me faith.
When people ask me about my beliefs, I generally tell them I'm agnostic, but spiritual. Then you often get the question about what your spirituality is centered around. I usually feel like my answer is a bit of a cop-out, but then if I really think about it. Not so much.
Many people find their spirituality around some sort of diety, some sort of philosophy or even just a belief in a higher power, whether they know what that is or not. I've always felt that I simply find mine, through my interactions with others, here on Earth, in the flesh and blood. Today was a perfect example.
I prayed yesterday. Although I didn't really know who, what, when, where, or why, I was holding up to my end of the bargain (read prior post). Today that prayer was answered, though if I weren't on this journey, I may have never recognized it as such. Sometimes just a little hightened awareness, can make you see events of your daily life, in a totally different way.
One of my co-workers, a truck driver, found a blind German Shepherd roaming the property at my work. So blind, that he literally walked into the tire of his tractor. Luckily it was stopped. Thank goodness he cared enough to alert us in the office, so we could follow through with bringing him to safety. He stayed leashed to our office railing, while we continued to try and perform our job duties, while breaking to make a half dozen phone calls, looking for help and suggestions. Thanks to Natalie's Facebook post, two of our mutual friends came forward. Between A and C, I feel confident that he is okay for now.
The feeling of relief that came over me, when they agreed to help, was at first selfish. All I could think about was trying to get through a very hectic day at work, without having to, with the help of Natalie of course, take care of this dog. Other than being blind, he was unfixed, and had the appearance of a dog who may have at one time been a fighter. Not aggressive with humans, but still, the potential may have been there. I was very nervous, to be quite honest. He may have also had a skin infection under his collar, or quite possibly his collar was becoming embedded with his flesh. We were all too afraid to check, for fear of hurting this poor guy.
Anyway, once the selfish feeling of relief passed, I felt a feeling of solidarity. That in such a short period of time, people came together to bring this dog to safety, and ensure that he has a chance for a better life. That gave me warm fuzzies. Instead of focusing on the ANGER, that this dog was in the condition he was in, I was enthralled by the compassion of just a few people.
That gives me faith.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
And so it begins...
Is it possible for a 40 year old woman, who has lived her entire adult life claiming to be agnostic, with no formal beliefs, customs or rituals, to find faith in a greater power? Can a long-time-non-believing soul (NO, not atheist, just uncertain), start to believe, and what are the steps to getting there? I sure as shit know you can’t wake up one day and decide to believe. Or can you? It all starts with one step, right?
The idea for this post came to me this morning, Easter morning 2011. As I sat on my couch with a cup of coffee, watching Sunday Morning (that’s MY Sunday ritual), I started reading my Facebook news feed. There’s nothing like reading about the daily activities of others, to make you feel somehow inadequate in your own routines. For example, yesterday a friend of mine posted that she didn’t get out of her jammies until noon. Uhhhh, yeah, I didn’t get out of my jammies AT ALL. See what I’m saying? Anyway, that’s a little off subject.
Reading one Easter post, after Jesus post, after Easter post, after… you get the idea… I started to feel a case of the empty. Like really, really empty. The kind of empty that you immediately want to fill up with something. Thank goodness I didn't have any food and/or beer in the house, or that may have been my filler. We all know that wouldn’t get me anywhere, at least not in the long run. Sure would be fun in the short-run though, huh? Who am I kidding? I’ll end up drinking beer and eating comfort food before the day is over. It’s just a wee early for that right now.
The Facebook news feed status that really hit home for me, was this one: “I love Easter. A day of redemption, forgiveness, hope, and new beginnings. Plus, there's chocolate and ham”
Don't get me wrong; I doubt I’ll ever find the sort of religious beliefs that celebrate Easter per se. But,what I wouldn’t give to feel this way on any given day. Every day, would be cool. TODAY, would be cool. But since I can’t find that sort of faith overnight, I’ll have to go through some motions I suppose. OH EM GEE, I guess establishing some sense of spirituality is going to take work on my part. With this post, I’d like to say that I’m ready to embark on this journey, but given my past behaviors, this may just be a fleeting moment. An expression of my frustration with my lack of faith. Let’s hope it’s not. If it is, I'll just change the name of the blog and carry on.
So, here’s what I’m going to do TODAY, that I NEVER do. I’m going to pray. I’m not going to be sure what the hell I’m praying to, but I’m going to pray for whatever higher power that is out there (that will have me, of course), to please show me a little extra attention for awhile. Enlightenment has to start somewhere, but I'm going to need a little extra push to get out of this rut. I hope "the force" will hear me, and be with me.
That’s not a lot to ask, right? I mean, considering I’ve been very low maintenance for 25ish years now.
Lucky for you folks who might stumble upon this blog, I’m going to take you on this journey with me.
Allll Aboard!
The idea for this post came to me this morning, Easter morning 2011. As I sat on my couch with a cup of coffee, watching Sunday Morning (that’s MY Sunday ritual), I started reading my Facebook news feed. There’s nothing like reading about the daily activities of others, to make you feel somehow inadequate in your own routines. For example, yesterday a friend of mine posted that she didn’t get out of her jammies until noon. Uhhhh, yeah, I didn’t get out of my jammies AT ALL. See what I’m saying? Anyway, that’s a little off subject.
Reading one Easter post, after Jesus post, after Easter post, after… you get the idea… I started to feel a case of the empty. Like really, really empty. The kind of empty that you immediately want to fill up with something. Thank goodness I didn't have any food and/or beer in the house, or that may have been my filler. We all know that wouldn’t get me anywhere, at least not in the long run. Sure would be fun in the short-run though, huh? Who am I kidding? I’ll end up drinking beer and eating comfort food before the day is over. It’s just a wee early for that right now.
The Facebook news feed status that really hit home for me, was this one: “I love Easter. A day of redemption, forgiveness, hope, and new beginnings. Plus, there's chocolate and ham”
Don't get me wrong; I doubt I’ll ever find the sort of religious beliefs that celebrate Easter per se. But,what I wouldn’t give to feel this way on any given day. Every day, would be cool. TODAY, would be cool. But since I can’t find that sort of faith overnight, I’ll have to go through some motions I suppose. OH EM GEE, I guess establishing some sense of spirituality is going to take work on my part. With this post, I’d like to say that I’m ready to embark on this journey, but given my past behaviors, this may just be a fleeting moment. An expression of my frustration with my lack of faith. Let’s hope it’s not. If it is, I'll just change the name of the blog and carry on.
So, here’s what I’m going to do TODAY, that I NEVER do. I’m going to pray. I’m not going to be sure what the hell I’m praying to, but I’m going to pray for whatever higher power that is out there (that will have me, of course), to please show me a little extra attention for awhile. Enlightenment has to start somewhere, but I'm going to need a little extra push to get out of this rut. I hope "the force" will hear me, and be with me.
That’s not a lot to ask, right? I mean, considering I’ve been very low maintenance for 25ish years now.
Lucky for you folks who might stumble upon this blog, I’m going to take you on this journey with me.
Allll Aboard!
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