Faith!

It's been a little over a month since my last entry. To my seven (if I haven't lost any) followers, I'm so sorry for your devastation. I'll try not to let this sort of lapse happen again. 

When someone like me writes as sporadically as I do, one might wonder, "what inspires her?" Well, two things. One, is being at my mom's where I feel away from the comforts of home, and she goes to bed at 9 o'clock. Two, is the influence of alcohol. Yes, I admit. I like to drink the spirits. So, that being said, mom is in bed, and I've had some wine. Cheers. 

I don't have any idea how long it's been since I started this blog, but one thing really has happened. I've started giving a little less of a shit. Not because I purposefully give less of a shit, but more because I have a lot more faith in letting things that are out of my control, be just that. I can't fret over something I have no control over. Therefore, I have been a lot more at peace with some things.

Relationships and dating? Well, let's just say I've learned a lot of lessons, but none as great as the ones I've learned since starting to pray about it. I'm not sure AT ALL what I'm praying to, but I find that something has changed in me, since I took the leap of faith to do so.  I know I sound redundant, but really, things happen without you even noticing.

I'm in the midst of being sad about not seeing someone anymore, that I really care about. But what surprises me, is that I'm more focused on what I've learned in the last few months. That is so unlike me. Instead of trying to influence the situation, by what is likely to be me acting crazy, I'm sitting back thinking about how if this doesn't work out, I'm going to be better and stronger for the next relationship. That's not to say that I don't hope that this one miraculously works out, but I won't hold my breath. The foundation has certainly been laid, but the timing is about as bad as it gets. I'll spare the details.

Gosh, I should blog more. It feels so good to sit down and type. The clickety clack of the keyboard is soothing.

As you know, I've been praying to fixtures, and not to a god, per se. When you do this, you start to notice weird signs, that you otherwise might not have noticed. Or are there signs, that otherwise wouldn't have been present? Or, are you just always looking for signs? Hmmmm.

All I know, is that there have been a lot of signs, and though at first, I thought they were all "good" signs, they were completely ambiguous. Like the weekend I saw 1:11, 2:22, 3:33 and 4:44.  I didn't see 5:55 that weekend, but after telling a friend about this, they texted me at 5:55, saying "5:55", obviously. Not really a sign, but weird all the same. Things I otherwise wouldn't notice, if I weren't looking for signs, OR WOULD I?... :-)

I have faith that something is changing me, and given the slump that I was in, that is a big shout out AMEN kinda moment. Baby steps, Kimberlee.

Overlord Award

I suck at this blogging thing. I almost forgot about the award that Natalie gave me. Apparently, there are these weird blogger politics, that allow these bloggers to give out blogger awards. I don't know. I'm new to this whole thing. This "award" that I've been given, for no reason known to man, allows me to make up three rules. These rules will rule the earth, and I suspect you will bow down to me by the end of this post.

1. Be nice.
2. Nice is the new black.
3. Just be nice.

AMEN!

Psst! Random Kimmie Thoughts!

Happy Thursday to all of my seven followers. Sometimes I find it weirder that my friends are reading this, rather than complete strangers. When I start typing, I always imagine you all rolling your eyes and mumbling something under your breath, like "what the hell is wrong with her?" I know you all must love me though, so it's cool. I love you, too.

So, I'm sitting here at my mom's, AGAIN. She wanted to go to bed at 8:00, so I stayed with her until she fell asleep, and here I am. This is my refuge, when I'm over here. Not this blog, but this room. She doesn't realize how much time I spend in here after she goes to sleep, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?

Caring for someone who is mentally ill, is hard as hell. She does display some physical manifestations of her illness, but for the most part, is perfectly healthy on the surface. It's frustrating, to say the least. I can't not do what I'm doing. I have to be here for her, but sometimes I just want to run from it. I can't. She's my mom. I love her.

I REALLY missed Casey today. Not sure why, but when it hits you, it hits hard. How is it, that a freaking pet can change your life like that? I don't know if I'll ever stop missing her, or be able to have another. She was just the light in my life (cheesy), for so many years.

Aging is hard, especially when you're a worrier like me. I think too much. WAY TOO MUCH! You start to feel like things are all going to go down hill. As you get older, you suffer a lot more loss. That's hard, but I'm hoping the gain in wisdom and coping mechanisms, can offset that. I feel strong as hell one day, and scared as fuck the next. I'm not even sure what I can handle, but I guess that's just life. Meh.

I have a good weekend planned. I love having things to look forward to. Saturday, I'm going to either Mammoth Cave or Bluespring Caverns, with a new and dear friend of mine. What a perfect way to spend a swelteringly hot day, but in a cave. Sunday, no plans, which is right up there with AWESOME. I love having Sunday to lie on the couch and watch movies and mindless TV. Monday, I'm going to Churchill with my mom and stepdad, and then down to the waterfront for De La Soul and Funky Meters. I think there might be fireworks. Ha. Good times will be had.

I've lost six pounds. *happy dance* That's pretty awesome. I've had a recent obsession with Taco Bell's Fresco menu, and from what I can tell, it doesn't seem to set me back too much. They substitute the cheese and sour cream, with a yummy "fresh tasting" (likely preservative laden) dose of pico de gallo. Top that with their new salsa verde, and we are talking. I generally dislike TB, but this is fast, easy and cheap-o-la.

I haven't been praying, like I said I would. I have been trying to meditate though. My brain is a force to be reckoned with. It doesn't much understand calm, and it's like hell to teach it to shut the fuck up for a minute, so I can have some peace. Thank god for the internet, though I suck and it, I have found some meditation techniques that work for me. Even if just for 30 seconds. ADD rears its ugly head, and won't let me have any extended quiet, but a little is better than nothing. I'm trying, at least.

I can hear mom snoring from the other room, and it seems to be sending some sort of message to my head, that it's time to say "goodnight". Goodnight to whomever is lucky enough to read this garbage. Until next time.

Bucket List

I don't have a formal bucket list, but if I did, there are two things that would absolutely be on there. I've always wanted to skydive and zipline. Since I'm pretty damn petrified of the idea of jumping out of a plane, I'm going to shoot for the ziplining thing first. Wahoo Ziplining, I've heard, is the place to go, and only 4.5 hours from home. Weeeeeeeeee.

So, they have a weight limit, which I'm pleased to be able to say I fall below. However, in order to check something this awesome off of my imaginary bucket list, I want to earn it. I've set a goal weight, which I intend to reach by September sometime. I think the fall would be the best of times to go. Hmmm. When are the leaves at their peak color? Must figure that out.

I'm one of those people who really likes to have something to look forward to. So this is pretty special. Plus, I can't wait to reach my first goal weight, which certainly won't be my last, when achieved. One thing at a time here, people.

THEN! I'll start planning to jump out of that plane.

So Many Things!

There are so many things I'd like to talk about in this blog post, but what is and isn't appropriate, is really hard to ascertain at this moment. I always imagined that a blog would be a place that I could spew anything that came to mind. But it's not. You have to consider who might read it. I realize I'm limited to less people than I can count on my two hands, but still. Those people are a big part of my life.

Stuff is changing with me. I'm doing good things for myself, and starting to care about myself again. I'm not sure when I stopped, but I did. I'm going to try to take care of myself, so that I can be a better and stronger person, for all those around me. I'm not sure exactly how this course of action will look, but I do know that it starts with one step. I've made it, and it comes in the form of a treadmill. Haha. NO!REALLY! I have a treadmill IN THE HOUSE! I walked on it even. Exercising in the privacy of my own bat-cave of a bedroom, is just what I need right now. I want to be in shape, to start doing the things I love to do again. This is my wish.

Let's hope this fucking treadmill doesn't become a clothing rack. And if any of you want to place some bets with me, I'm in.

Love you... :-)

So last night...

... I was sitting having a beer with my friend Jill, who is a very serious practicing Catholic. In fact, after a couple of beers, she had to leave to go to a meeting at her church, to try and save a particular chapel that they were considering shutting down. Only Catholics would go to a church meeting after a couple of beers. I'd probably make a good Catholic girl, if only I weren't agnostic.

Jill was talking about a church that's open 24/7, and a girl at the end of the bar perked up, and knew just what church she was talking about. What ensued, was about an hour long conversation with this girl, whose father is dying of cancer. It may be because it's THAT (fuckyoufemalehormones) time of the month, but I teared up FOUR times. I felt an instant bond with this girl. Before Jill left for her holy meeting, she pulled a card out of the front of her purse and handed it to her (her dad is also of the Catholic faith). To give you an idea of just how engaged Jill is in her religious beliefs, she carries around these cards (they have a special name but I can't remember), and just so happened to have a card for Saint Peregrine, the patron saint of cancer patients. She then gave her a spare rosary she happened to have, hugged her and promised to pray for her and her family. This entire experience was very moving, and really exactly the type of thing that serves as a reminder of the faith I've always had. Faith in something outside of myself, indeed. Faith in the power of human interaction, and being compassionate and kind. Jill has it in spades. Love you, girl.

Hmmm...

A friend of mine, Alicia, is a very devout christian. I respect her for her beliefs, but I often glaze over when she gets to talking about them. I've been agnostic for nearly 30 years, and really can't wrap my brain around any formal belief system. Sometimes, though, when people mention prayers being answered, my ears perk up a little bit.

I can't even be sure who/what/when/where/why I'm praying. I'd like to say it's blind faith, but I'm not even sure I have faith that I'm being heard. It's more of a, "oh my god, nothing else seems to work, please hear my prayer" kind of thing.

About two months ago, I decided that I was going to start praying to the unknown. I decided that I was going to pick a fixture to focus on when I pray. In my bedroom, it's my ceiling light. In my living room, it's my chandelier. In the bathroom, it's a glass bottle, though saying I pray to the porcelain god seems more appropriate. However, it's kinda hard to pray to the commode when you're sitting on it... :-)  In my office, it's a statuette of buddha. Yes, I have it all figured out. Even if I don't know what the hell I believe, a merciful "god" will grant me some serenity, or for once give me a fucking break.

Hey, remember that devout christian friend of mine I mentioned up there? Yeah, so, she does this vlog. It's very christiany and scriptury and doesn't really agree with me, but I watched it because I love her, and she's my friend. She talked about how she laid outside and prayed, and as soon as she was quiet, she received a message. I was like, "hmph, hogwash". Sure, it's kinda silly to think that anything/one would respond to everyone's prayers.

But as part of my recent commitment to this exercise, I thought I'd give it a shot. I sat outside my house yesterday, and tried what she'd spoken of in that vlog. I closed my eyes, made a couple of requests to the unknown, and then silenced myself for the answer. Literally, the very first thing that popped into my head when I silenced myself, was "stay calm, relax and enjoy". That's my new mantra.

Anyone who knows me, knows that those are words for me to live by. I struggle with anxiety, and find myself bundled up in knots with worry sometimes.  Whatever voice spoke to me, even if it was just a product of my own thought, I'm grateful for it. Whether it be divine intervention, or my own subconscious begging for mercy, I feel a little more at peace because of it.

HUGS!